Hello- I am joining weight watchers again for the second time in a quest to lose the 37 pounds that will allow me to be at my ideal weight for my height and body type. I have just finished an extensive and grueling cycle of fertility treatment that unfortunately did not result in a pregnancy. Before the cycle I had lost 20 pounds on Weight Watchers in a month and a half. I felt like I had reached a healthy weight to embark on my infertility treatment. I stopped the regimen throughout the process so that my body could focus primarily on what was happening to it via injections and medications and not have to deal with weight loss as well. Over the 2 month period of my infertility treatment, I managed to maintain my lower weight for the most part, only gaining 6-8 pounds of it back throughout that time frame, eating what I primarily ate before I even started weight watchers. Afterward, when I had a negative pregnancy test and stood on the scale to see where I had gotten to, I was not happy with my findings. I had gained back 10 pounds of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. Without a baby growing inside of me, and feeling fairly helpless and hopeless when it came to my body, I decided to take control of the one thing I have complete reign over..My weight..my physical structure..and for the most part, my internal structure.
My goal weight is 125 pounds. I am 5'7 with a very small frame. I can overlap my fingers around my wrists. Eventually I would like to see myself at 115, but 125 is the goal that I am focusing on for right now. It still seems like so much weight to lose...37 pounds!!! But I can do it! I've done it before. My time goal is to have lost most or all of this weight by November 24th when my sister comes down from Maine to get married in Las Vegas. The last time she saw me, I was at my heaviest weight of 178. I felt totally disgusting at this weight and had crap for confidence. The feeling of insecurity is totally debilitating. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I am going to pick a dress for her wedding in the size I would like to be at that time, and it will be my reminder of the person I want to be. I want to be happy- and the happiest I have ever been was when I was at my fittest physique and felt totally confident about my appearance. My goal is to get to that place again.
Weight Watchers is fairly simple. It is tedious in the sense that you are required to constantly log everything that enters your mouth..but that in itself is apart of improving YOU. You have to be accountable for all that you do. It is YOU who decides the person YOU want to be. The only person standing in the way of the ideal YOU is YOU. Anyway- Enough with the you's.
Today is my second day on my 2nd round of Weight Watchers. I am doing good so far but don't feel like I've eaten enough. Strange that one would have this issue on a diet. But, I brought a soup for lunch today and it tasted like vomit. There was no way I was going to continue consuming that awful crap! Now the aftertaste in my mouth is similar to that of blood. Yuck! What kind of soup are these people making? So, I will have to wait and see what the rest of the day has in store for me. Today is Sunday, and Sunday is spaghetti day in my household. I am going to skip spaghetti as it is loaded with carbs and probably resort to a salad. Which I am looking forward to more so than I am the spaghetti. Being a vegetarian for almost 7 years, there was a point where carbohydrates became utterly revolting! I am going to end this blog so that I can get up and move around the office and get myself some water to wash away the taste in my mouth!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
So close.
four days until my embryos get thawed and 8 days until my transfer! I am excited beyond all measurements. However, it still does not feel real! I am going to be PREGNANT in 8 days. Even as I write it, it doesn't really register to my brain. When will it feel real, I wonder? When I see the two lines on the pregnancy test, when it is confirmed by blood, when I see the baby on the ultrasound, when I deliver my baby? I have been in denial I guess. Not that I don't want to be pregnant as it is my heart's one true desire. But because it just seems so unreal. I have wanted this moment for so long more than anything I have ever wanted my whole life. My husband feels the same way. Every night he tells me he can't even wrap his head around the idea of me being pregnant. But he is so excited. He keeps saying "you're going to have a big belly." The way he says it is as if he is telling himself so that it sinks in. We are just so thrilled to finally become the parents we have longed to be.
This time has been extremely stressful for us. All of the 2 1/2 hour trips to Las Vegas to see the DR. I have been there 16 times in the past two months. All of the anticipation, the stress, the wonder. The injections, the medications, the awful side effects. The protocols the schedules the physical pain. I have been so emotional these past couple of months as all of the hormones and prescription drugs took their toll on my body. My poor husband has had to deal with my ups and downs and my crazy mood swings. We've fought more than we've ever fought these past couple of months. Not to mention we are selling our home in Arizona to move back to Maine. That alone has caused tons of stress.
I am trying to calm down for the transfer =)
Breathe in..Breathe out..Breathe in..Breathe out.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Beginning.
She's here. Aunt Flow that is. The uterine lining I will build from here on out will cushion my baby for the next 9 months. I am ecstatic. I am trying to be as positive as possible. As healthy as possible. And as optimistic as my heart will allow me to be.
My transfer is in 3 weeks!!! One...two....three! Time goes by so fast. Before I know it, I'll be in labor! =o
I really want to transfer two 5 day blastocysts. I know that the increase in chances of conceiving twins are high. But, if I am meant to mother twin babies, than I will...happily =). If I get a single baby, than I will be happy. Anything God is willing to give me, I will be eternally grateful for. So, I will find that I am pregnant on the 25th of August, 5 weeks from today.
****
On another note- I have been very stressed out lately. I mean STRESSED. Which is totally unhealthy, especially when I am going through this process. Husband and I are in the process of TRYING to sell our home. However, because of the crappy market, it is going to have to be a Short Sale. Meaning the bank will accept less than what we owe on the home. The reason we are moving is because the cost of living is extreme here in AZ. We are running out of money and with a soon-to-be baby on the way and absolutely no health insurance to cover my pregnancy or delivery..... things aren't looking so great. Granted, even if we had health insurance and we were okay here...we'd still be desperate to leave. The heat is killer here, and I get heatsick very easily. I want to be able to enjoy the outdoors and when it is 125-130 outside it is not an option.
We are planning on moving back to Maine where most of my family is living. That way we can enjoy the cool summers and the white winters. I am so excited to just be able to walk out onto a grass lawn and be able to breathe in and out without feeling like I am in an oven.
Well, mother-in-law found this out and wasn't very happy. I don't care anymore, we are not here to make other people happy. This is our life! Our money. Our home. OUR decision. She did help us a lot with the house when we were renovating it. But, we have every intention on paying her back in the future when we can actually get ahead. Here, it is not feasable. She is worried about our credit score and will we be slitting our throats by doing this...yada yada yada. I don't want to tell her that WE JUST WANT TO GET HE HELL OUT OF ARIZONA because I do not want to offend her after all that she has done for us..but she is really pushing it. Husband and I may be young...but we are certainly NOT stupid. I have done my research. I know my credit will take a hit. I know that we are walking away from our home to the unknown. But! We are YOUNG! We have all of the time in the world to make it right again. And I would much prefer to make it right some where I would like to be. Somewhere beautiful with a mild climate! I want my children to be able to experience summer and not have to stay indoors for fear of being cooked alive. Who knows, we may not even qualify for a short sale on our home. If that is the case, we'll take the next step to get out of here. And then Mother-in-Law was talking about how dangerous it is to move during your 3rd trimester which is where I'll be when we do finally move. I have done plenty of research on it... people move all of the time in their 3rd trimester! Right before they pop their babies out!! How can it affect me to ride in a vehicle with the A/C pumping and my feet kicked up? I am not going to be taking charge and lifting enormous televisions and furniture into the back of a UHAUL truck. HELLO? How stupid does she think I am? I am going to get as established as I can with a DR in Maine. I will have all of my records and information sent to them prior to so they know what they are dealing with. I will be using the same midwife and birthing center where my younger sister gave birth April of this year. I like the way they work..I like the facility. It is beautiful and right the water. Very friendly nurses, very friendly staff all around. We are going to rent an apartment or if God willing, we find a house at an affordable rate! We will get established in jobs. We will DO what we have to DO to make it work for us. Just back off woman! Late lastnight, Husband gets a call from his mother and his sister (Who is like a younger version of his mother) and they rip his ear off with all of the reasons we should not move, and can I push my TRANSFER DATE BACK, NO! I cannot. We are moving!! If you don't like it... I don't know what to tell you. I will be so glad when we finally get out of this town.
Work has also got me stressed out. I am in charge of people satisfactory. Which means, people go to me on a constant basis insisting that they get what they WANT in order to be satisfied. And I have to do it. I have to deal with this on a daily basis. It is really running me ragged. Customer service is the devil. I will be so relieved to leave this job I will probably, literally have weight fall off my shoulders as soon as I walk out of these doors. The company I work for has the worst health insurance. Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Arizona. None of my prenatal visits will be covered. Lab work for a basic beta is $500 each time. Ultrasounds are insanely priced. We had planned for this, as we knew prior to doing IVF that our insurance didn't cover any of it. However, it didn't hit me until just recently...what if my baby is born early, god forbid? He/She has to stay in NICU for a couple days to maybe a couple months? We are talking about a MILLION dollar bill here, literally!!! Millions of dollars!! What if I need to be airvac'd to a bigger hospital? $80,000!!!!!! These numbers make my skin crawl. I want to be able to ENJOY my pregnancy and not stress about numbers, bills, and money. It is heartbreaking. We don't qualify for government insurance because we make too much $$. Well, too much for government insurance is still not crap! My Mother-in-Law suggested, insensitively, that Husband and I get a Divorce so that we qualify. The nerve of that woman is unreal. Totally UNREAL! We plan on getting on government insurance when we move back to Maine because I won't be employed until 6 weeks after baby shows up. So, we will only have to claim Husband's income.
It is all very complicated..and stressful. I just cannot believe the mess I am in right now. I want everything to go okay. I want to be a happy mommy with a good marriage, good job and live in a nice area so that my family can enjoy what Earth has too offer.
Thanks for listening..if you got this far =)
My transfer is in 3 weeks!!! One...two....three! Time goes by so fast. Before I know it, I'll be in labor! =o
I really want to transfer two 5 day blastocysts. I know that the increase in chances of conceiving twins are high. But, if I am meant to mother twin babies, than I will...happily =). If I get a single baby, than I will be happy. Anything God is willing to give me, I will be eternally grateful for. So, I will find that I am pregnant on the 25th of August, 5 weeks from today.
****
On another note- I have been very stressed out lately. I mean STRESSED. Which is totally unhealthy, especially when I am going through this process. Husband and I are in the process of TRYING to sell our home. However, because of the crappy market, it is going to have to be a Short Sale. Meaning the bank will accept less than what we owe on the home. The reason we are moving is because the cost of living is extreme here in AZ. We are running out of money and with a soon-to-be baby on the way and absolutely no health insurance to cover my pregnancy or delivery..... things aren't looking so great. Granted, even if we had health insurance and we were okay here...we'd still be desperate to leave. The heat is killer here, and I get heatsick very easily. I want to be able to enjoy the outdoors and when it is 125-130 outside it is not an option.
We are planning on moving back to Maine where most of my family is living. That way we can enjoy the cool summers and the white winters. I am so excited to just be able to walk out onto a grass lawn and be able to breathe in and out without feeling like I am in an oven.
Well, mother-in-law found this out and wasn't very happy. I don't care anymore, we are not here to make other people happy. This is our life! Our money. Our home. OUR decision. She did help us a lot with the house when we were renovating it. But, we have every intention on paying her back in the future when we can actually get ahead. Here, it is not feasable. She is worried about our credit score and will we be slitting our throats by doing this...yada yada yada. I don't want to tell her that WE JUST WANT TO GET HE HELL OUT OF ARIZONA because I do not want to offend her after all that she has done for us..but she is really pushing it. Husband and I may be young...but we are certainly NOT stupid. I have done my research. I know my credit will take a hit. I know that we are walking away from our home to the unknown. But! We are YOUNG! We have all of the time in the world to make it right again. And I would much prefer to make it right some where I would like to be. Somewhere beautiful with a mild climate! I want my children to be able to experience summer and not have to stay indoors for fear of being cooked alive. Who knows, we may not even qualify for a short sale on our home. If that is the case, we'll take the next step to get out of here. And then Mother-in-Law was talking about how dangerous it is to move during your 3rd trimester which is where I'll be when we do finally move. I have done plenty of research on it... people move all of the time in their 3rd trimester! Right before they pop their babies out!! How can it affect me to ride in a vehicle with the A/C pumping and my feet kicked up? I am not going to be taking charge and lifting enormous televisions and furniture into the back of a UHAUL truck. HELLO? How stupid does she think I am? I am going to get as established as I can with a DR in Maine. I will have all of my records and information sent to them prior to so they know what they are dealing with. I will be using the same midwife and birthing center where my younger sister gave birth April of this year. I like the way they work..I like the facility. It is beautiful and right the water. Very friendly nurses, very friendly staff all around. We are going to rent an apartment or if God willing, we find a house at an affordable rate! We will get established in jobs. We will DO what we have to DO to make it work for us. Just back off woman! Late lastnight, Husband gets a call from his mother and his sister (Who is like a younger version of his mother) and they rip his ear off with all of the reasons we should not move, and can I push my TRANSFER DATE BACK, NO! I cannot. We are moving!! If you don't like it... I don't know what to tell you. I will be so glad when we finally get out of this town.
Work has also got me stressed out. I am in charge of people satisfactory. Which means, people go to me on a constant basis insisting that they get what they WANT in order to be satisfied. And I have to do it. I have to deal with this on a daily basis. It is really running me ragged. Customer service is the devil. I will be so relieved to leave this job I will probably, literally have weight fall off my shoulders as soon as I walk out of these doors. The company I work for has the worst health insurance. Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Arizona. None of my prenatal visits will be covered. Lab work for a basic beta is $500 each time. Ultrasounds are insanely priced. We had planned for this, as we knew prior to doing IVF that our insurance didn't cover any of it. However, it didn't hit me until just recently...what if my baby is born early, god forbid? He/She has to stay in NICU for a couple days to maybe a couple months? We are talking about a MILLION dollar bill here, literally!!! Millions of dollars!! What if I need to be airvac'd to a bigger hospital? $80,000!!!!!! These numbers make my skin crawl. I want to be able to ENJOY my pregnancy and not stress about numbers, bills, and money. It is heartbreaking. We don't qualify for government insurance because we make too much $$. Well, too much for government insurance is still not crap! My Mother-in-Law suggested, insensitively, that Husband and I get a Divorce so that we qualify. The nerve of that woman is unreal. Totally UNREAL! We plan on getting on government insurance when we move back to Maine because I won't be employed until 6 weeks after baby shows up. So, we will only have to claim Husband's income.
It is all very complicated..and stressful. I just cannot believe the mess I am in right now. I want everything to go okay. I want to be a happy mommy with a good marriage, good job and live in a nice area so that my family can enjoy what Earth has too offer.
Thanks for listening..if you got this far =)
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